There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
