Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
