Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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