I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I looked at my own cervix.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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