You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
