i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
