Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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