My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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