So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
