I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
