yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
