How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
