The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
