I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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