This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
