If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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