so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
