okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
