Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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