You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
