I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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