Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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