normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
