you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
