I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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