My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
