Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
