the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
