Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
