I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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