and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
