Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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