fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
