My cat gives me a boner
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
