I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
