Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
