Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
