before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
