he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She announced her abortion via fbk
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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