I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
