I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
