I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
