grandma shit on top of the toilet
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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