you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
