It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
