My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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