I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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