So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
