Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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