You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
