Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
