So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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