I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
