My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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