She went from zero to smokin in five shots
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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