how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
