If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
