I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize