I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
